Honestly, I use this blog to do a lot of my thinking out loud so to speak. I find it very therapeutic. Lately, my thoughts have been dominated by my relationship with my three kids, specifically what that relationship will be like in 10 years when they are approaching adolescence, and in 20 years when all of them will be out of the house.
Sometimes I'm afraid of what the last part will be like. Will they move far away? Will they call? Will I still be able to hug and kiss them? What will my life be like without them around every day? I try not to think about the negative aspects and try to remember that my job is to mold them into the best adults I can.
I think about my oldest, whom I've just begun to build a good relationship with. She is so much like me that I KNOW there will be fierce battles when she is a teenager, and I worry that I will drive her away. And to tell the truth, she may be the one who heads out into the world and do the best and be the most successful. I just want to be a part of that.
I think about my middle daughter, who is truly daddy's little girl. She's the one who wants to cuddle and be close, who wants to tell me everything about her day. I think she will be a homebody, but I can't imagine her going off to college let alone thinking about the man who will one day take her from me...
I think about my son, my little buddy. We're still learning his personality, and I look into that face and worry what kind of man I'm raising. Will he face the same trials that I did? Will he be the athlete that I wanted to be? Will I be o.k. if he's into drama or music instead of sports?
At the very least, I want my kids to think fondly of me when they are grown, and want to tell their kids stories about their Dad to their children, and I want to model what a good man is supposed to be, so my two daughters will find good men to spend their lives with, and so my son will be proud to one day say, I am just like my father, and I'm glad for that...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Where I've been...and where I'm going
I'm was just on my facebook account and thinking about all the places that I've been, and the lives that I've touched, and the lives that have touched me. I saw some faces from the Academy where I learned who I was. I saw some faces from the Institute, where I learned how to be who I was, then I saw the faces of hundreds of students that I had the honor of teaching at Crossroads and Northside.
Leaving both of those schools was so hard, and I left behind so many great friends and memories. What gets me through the lonely times is what a good friend told me when I left my first school. She said that I was being taken from Crossroads b/c there were students in Florida that needed me to impact them the way that I had impacted her family. (I taught her oldest daughter and coached her oldest and second daughter on the softball team).
You know, she was right in a way. There were kids in Florida that needed me, but I also learned some invaluable lessons while I was at Northside. Now God has me back in NC working in the restaurant field, and I keep hearing my friend's words in my head. I am supposed to be here b/c I have people who need me here. Like the girl who had an abortion over the summer, or the kid whose parents are getting a divorce and she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. Or the young man heading into the army who may end up as a Chaplin, or the recently engaged couple seeking pre-marital counseling. This, not to mention the customers that I've met, the man whose mother is getting older and will pass away soon, the pastor who faces the question of staying at his church or moving on, the gay couple that I can treat with dignity and respect, the homeless guy who was just passing through (and stayed for a month)...
The list goes on and on. I wonder where I'll be in 2 years, or 5, or 10. What I'm sure of is that the Lord will keep using me to impact those around me, and that those around me will keep impacting my life as I build those relationships that will last a lifetime, even if we crossed paths for a brief moment...
Leaving both of those schools was so hard, and I left behind so many great friends and memories. What gets me through the lonely times is what a good friend told me when I left my first school. She said that I was being taken from Crossroads b/c there were students in Florida that needed me to impact them the way that I had impacted her family. (I taught her oldest daughter and coached her oldest and second daughter on the softball team).
You know, she was right in a way. There were kids in Florida that needed me, but I also learned some invaluable lessons while I was at Northside. Now God has me back in NC working in the restaurant field, and I keep hearing my friend's words in my head. I am supposed to be here b/c I have people who need me here. Like the girl who had an abortion over the summer, or the kid whose parents are getting a divorce and she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. Or the young man heading into the army who may end up as a Chaplin, or the recently engaged couple seeking pre-marital counseling. This, not to mention the customers that I've met, the man whose mother is getting older and will pass away soon, the pastor who faces the question of staying at his church or moving on, the gay couple that I can treat with dignity and respect, the homeless guy who was just passing through (and stayed for a month)...
The list goes on and on. I wonder where I'll be in 2 years, or 5, or 10. What I'm sure of is that the Lord will keep using me to impact those around me, and that those around me will keep impacting my life as I build those relationships that will last a lifetime, even if we crossed paths for a brief moment...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
A Colt For Life
Of all the jobs and titles I've held, the one I look back at with the most emotions, both good and bad, is that of Athletic Director.
You see, I worked at a new Christian school for 2 years as the high school Bible teacher, and I was their first Athletic Director, not to mention the "Voice of the Colts," which meant for better or worse you could not attend a sporting event in those first two years without hearing me over the speakers.
I resigned from my position two years ago, just days after achieving a personal and professional goal, getting the Colts into the Carolina Christian Conference for Varsity contests.
I have looked back at my time as a Colt nearly every day since graduation '07.
On Friday night I drove over an hour to watch the Colts in the Carolina Christian Conference girls Varsity Basketball championship, and the Lord allowed the game to be played close enough for me be there.
Of the 11 girls that took the floor that night, I had coached 9 of them, either on the Varsity softball team, or as an assistant coach on the Middle School basketball team. I was also fortunate to be invited into the locker room by the baskeball coach, whom I am still close with, for a pregame speech, not to mention that for one more night, I was the "Voice of the Colts" and was asked to call out the starting lineups.
For one final time I was able to speak the names of girls that I had watched as grow as freshmen, for one final time I called out numbers and positions of kids that I had helped train as 7th graders, for one final time I was able to give my usual speech about how "you play like you live...", for one final time I was the loudest cheerleader in the stands, trying to will my team on to victory.
Ultimately, the Colts fell in a valiant effort, but second place is more then I dreamed I would ever see when I packed up my office and the microphone fell silent two years ago, and now the Colts are on their way to their first State Basketball birth, and as a # 10 seed to boot.
Having been in that gym to see the Lady Colts one more time has given me some closure, though I doubt I will ever stop thinking back to what was, what is, and what could have been, for I will always be a Colt for Life!
You see, I worked at a new Christian school for 2 years as the high school Bible teacher, and I was their first Athletic Director, not to mention the "Voice of the Colts," which meant for better or worse you could not attend a sporting event in those first two years without hearing me over the speakers.
I resigned from my position two years ago, just days after achieving a personal and professional goal, getting the Colts into the Carolina Christian Conference for Varsity contests.
I have looked back at my time as a Colt nearly every day since graduation '07.
On Friday night I drove over an hour to watch the Colts in the Carolina Christian Conference girls Varsity Basketball championship, and the Lord allowed the game to be played close enough for me be there.
Of the 11 girls that took the floor that night, I had coached 9 of them, either on the Varsity softball team, or as an assistant coach on the Middle School basketball team. I was also fortunate to be invited into the locker room by the baskeball coach, whom I am still close with, for a pregame speech, not to mention that for one more night, I was the "Voice of the Colts" and was asked to call out the starting lineups.
For one final time I was able to speak the names of girls that I had watched as grow as freshmen, for one final time I called out numbers and positions of kids that I had helped train as 7th graders, for one final time I was able to give my usual speech about how "you play like you live...", for one final time I was the loudest cheerleader in the stands, trying to will my team on to victory.
Ultimately, the Colts fell in a valiant effort, but second place is more then I dreamed I would ever see when I packed up my office and the microphone fell silent two years ago, and now the Colts are on their way to their first State Basketball birth, and as a # 10 seed to boot.
Having been in that gym to see the Lady Colts one more time has given me some closure, though I doubt I will ever stop thinking back to what was, what is, and what could have been, for I will always be a Colt for Life!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The Academy
I went to high school in a small farming community in CT. On a beautiful June day in 1996, I along with about 150 other classmates graduated. That afternoon my parents and I moved an hour away. I've only been back 2 or 3 times since, and though I went to college with 4 others from high school, it wasn't long until I lost all contact with those 150 people. And I'm ashamed.
I realize now, just entering my 30's just how big an impact those 4 years had on me. I've been slowly reconnecting with some of those folks from high school through facebook, and I'm so glad to see that we've grown up.
I can remember almost all of them.
I remember the jocks, and how I so wanted to be one of them...if not for smoking a pack-a-day.
I remember girls that I had crushes on, but was too awkward to know how to ask them out.
I remember the stoners, but they probably don't remember much of me...
I remember the kids I was mean to, though I was not a bully.
I remember the ones who are already gone into the next life...
I remember the bright stars who faded, along with the late bloomers who blossomed after I knew them.
I can remember most of them, and I miss them.
I was not a popular person. I was always drawing attention to myself, trying to fit in, but mostly being loud and annoying. But I, along with most people, wish I could have been the person I am now 15 years ago. Then I remember something so simple, yet so profound. Each of those classmates and our shared experience have had a hand in making me who I am today.
I realize now, just entering my 30's just how big an impact those 4 years had on me. I've been slowly reconnecting with some of those folks from high school through facebook, and I'm so glad to see that we've grown up.
I can remember almost all of them.
I remember the jocks, and how I so wanted to be one of them...if not for smoking a pack-a-day.
I remember girls that I had crushes on, but was too awkward to know how to ask them out.
I remember the stoners, but they probably don't remember much of me...
I remember the kids I was mean to, though I was not a bully.
I remember the ones who are already gone into the next life...
I remember the bright stars who faded, along with the late bloomers who blossomed after I knew them.
I can remember most of them, and I miss them.
I was not a popular person. I was always drawing attention to myself, trying to fit in, but mostly being loud and annoying. But I, along with most people, wish I could have been the person I am now 15 years ago. Then I remember something so simple, yet so profound. Each of those classmates and our shared experience have had a hand in making me who I am today.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Two Paths
I can still remember my first day of high school at Woodstock Academy in Woodstock, CT. I remember getting very little sleep the night before. I remember have a nosebleed when I woke up. I remember sitting in Dr. Smith's senior English class for a full 15 minuets before having the stones to stand up and walk out!
I also remember my actual freshman year English teacher, Mr. Bob Kirk. I remember how he announced that instead of following the usual curriculum for 9th grade English, grammar, we would be studying American Lit. I remember how on the first day of class he broke down in tears as he told us a story about a "first day" that he had, namely his first day as a soldier in Vietnam. That story is still so vivid in my mind some 15 years later...
Something else I remember about Mr. Kirk is that he was the one who introduced me to Robert Frost. Frost is probably best remembered for his poem "The Road Not Taken," first published in 1916. The text follows:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I don't know why, but every time I think of this poem now, I'm reminded of the two paths that another work of literature speaks on, namely, the Gospel of Matthew. Recording the words of Jesus, Matthew writes that there are two paths, one narrow that leads to salvation, and the other broad, leading to destruction.
So few, happening upon the narrow road choose to follow it. In the words of Robert Frost, I-I took the one less traveled by, and that has indeed made all the difference!
I also remember my actual freshman year English teacher, Mr. Bob Kirk. I remember how he announced that instead of following the usual curriculum for 9th grade English, grammar, we would be studying American Lit. I remember how on the first day of class he broke down in tears as he told us a story about a "first day" that he had, namely his first day as a soldier in Vietnam. That story is still so vivid in my mind some 15 years later...
Something else I remember about Mr. Kirk is that he was the one who introduced me to Robert Frost. Frost is probably best remembered for his poem "The Road Not Taken," first published in 1916. The text follows:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I don't know why, but every time I think of this poem now, I'm reminded of the two paths that another work of literature speaks on, namely, the Gospel of Matthew. Recording the words of Jesus, Matthew writes that there are two paths, one narrow that leads to salvation, and the other broad, leading to destruction.
So few, happening upon the narrow road choose to follow it. In the words of Robert Frost, I-I took the one less traveled by, and that has indeed made all the difference!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
She wanted me
To know my oldest daughter is to look back into my own past. We are so much alike, sometimes I wonder if all that separates us is an y chromosome and 26 years.
Also, because we are so much alike, we tend to clash at times. We went through a phase not long ago where I would come home and rather then meeting me at the door, she would cry and tell me to go back to work! It bothered me for a few weeks, but then I remembered that I can be the same way. Allie simply does not like her routine interrupted. Needless to say, however, she is a mommy's girl.
The fact that I always wanted to be a Dad for as long as I can remember, and the fact that she is our first born makes that tough at times. I want so badly to be her big, strong hero. I have that relationship with her little sister, and though its not the same with my son, he and I will have tons of fun together. I live for the moments when Allie lets me into her circle...
My family has been struggling with illness. Just two nights ago Allie was complaining of an ear ache. We took care of it as best we could that night and put her to bed. Around 2 AM came a cry from Allie's bedroom, and much to my surprise she didn't cry for her mother, but for me.
One of the sweetest words for me to hear is Daddy. Of course I rushed to her aide, and for the next ten minuets was allowed into that circle. In that short expanse of time, all the frustration and work that is sometimes our relationship became null and void, because I was her hero, her protector, her comforter, her Daddy...
Also, because we are so much alike, we tend to clash at times. We went through a phase not long ago where I would come home and rather then meeting me at the door, she would cry and tell me to go back to work! It bothered me for a few weeks, but then I remembered that I can be the same way. Allie simply does not like her routine interrupted. Needless to say, however, she is a mommy's girl.
The fact that I always wanted to be a Dad for as long as I can remember, and the fact that she is our first born makes that tough at times. I want so badly to be her big, strong hero. I have that relationship with her little sister, and though its not the same with my son, he and I will have tons of fun together. I live for the moments when Allie lets me into her circle...
My family has been struggling with illness. Just two nights ago Allie was complaining of an ear ache. We took care of it as best we could that night and put her to bed. Around 2 AM came a cry from Allie's bedroom, and much to my surprise she didn't cry for her mother, but for me.
One of the sweetest words for me to hear is Daddy. Of course I rushed to her aide, and for the next ten minuets was allowed into that circle. In that short expanse of time, all the frustration and work that is sometimes our relationship became null and void, because I was her hero, her protector, her comforter, her Daddy...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Gift
I have been truly blessed by God. For some reason, God has given me a large capacity to care about others, some of whom I barely know. Perhaps its the Spiritual Gift of Mercy. I don't really know.
I think one of the hardest things to do is to watch people that you care about make bad choices and not be able to stop them. Perhaps allowing them to fail is what I mean.
I think of the students that I've had in the past. Mostly girls who've gotten into trouble with boys. For example, I had one student who jumped from one bad relationship directly into another, and then, despite how much I loved her and wanted the best for her, she got pregnant.
I had another student get expelled for drugs, and he was a good kid, just made poor choices. Ironically the same officer had arrested this student's father mere days before placing him in cuffs.
A girl I worked with years ago just couldn't stay away from this one guy who was bad news. She ended up as a dropout, drugged out kid who had so much potential. Last I heard she had yet to build on that potential...
Its not to say that God doesn't take our worst and make things better. Thank God He is constantly making lemonade from my lemons. But its still so hard. I think one of the reasons that he allows me to feel this way about people is so I can have just a glimpse of what it must be like for Him.
Time and again I've broken God's heart. He love me infinitely more then I will ever love anyone, my children included. Yet He stands by and lets me fall on my face, only to pick me up, dust me off, remind me of his love and sends me on my way. And then, like clockwork, I return to my sin.
Sin is our taskmaster. Its ridiculous really. We've been made free and yet we return daily to our burden and willingly subject ourselves to the pains of sin. I can't imagine the plight of slaves in the American south, how happy they must have been when the War granted them their freedom. How foolish it must have been for those who had grown so psycologically attached to their slavery that they returned to it despite their freedom.
God is so gracious. I pray that he continues to be so with me. I also pray that as he pours this love for others into me that I am able to stand it when they slowly kill themselves through bad choice after bad choice.
On second thought, maybe this gift of love is really a curse in disguise. I am faced with the fact that I will die a thousand-thousand tiny deaths in my lifetime due to the paths others will choose to take. God help me to bare it! Help me to help them, and to be more like you, loving, patient and gracious with them as you are with me. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused your heart. Please forgive me. I love you.
Amen.
I think one of the hardest things to do is to watch people that you care about make bad choices and not be able to stop them. Perhaps allowing them to fail is what I mean.
I think of the students that I've had in the past. Mostly girls who've gotten into trouble with boys. For example, I had one student who jumped from one bad relationship directly into another, and then, despite how much I loved her and wanted the best for her, she got pregnant.
I had another student get expelled for drugs, and he was a good kid, just made poor choices. Ironically the same officer had arrested this student's father mere days before placing him in cuffs.
A girl I worked with years ago just couldn't stay away from this one guy who was bad news. She ended up as a dropout, drugged out kid who had so much potential. Last I heard she had yet to build on that potential...
Its not to say that God doesn't take our worst and make things better. Thank God He is constantly making lemonade from my lemons. But its still so hard. I think one of the reasons that he allows me to feel this way about people is so I can have just a glimpse of what it must be like for Him.
Time and again I've broken God's heart. He love me infinitely more then I will ever love anyone, my children included. Yet He stands by and lets me fall on my face, only to pick me up, dust me off, remind me of his love and sends me on my way. And then, like clockwork, I return to my sin.
Sin is our taskmaster. Its ridiculous really. We've been made free and yet we return daily to our burden and willingly subject ourselves to the pains of sin. I can't imagine the plight of slaves in the American south, how happy they must have been when the War granted them their freedom. How foolish it must have been for those who had grown so psycologically attached to their slavery that they returned to it despite their freedom.
God is so gracious. I pray that he continues to be so with me. I also pray that as he pours this love for others into me that I am able to stand it when they slowly kill themselves through bad choice after bad choice.
On second thought, maybe this gift of love is really a curse in disguise. I am faced with the fact that I will die a thousand-thousand tiny deaths in my lifetime due to the paths others will choose to take. God help me to bare it! Help me to help them, and to be more like you, loving, patient and gracious with them as you are with me. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused your heart. Please forgive me. I love you.
Amen.
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